July sucks

im down with flu,cough and fever
how pathetic

i was so busy yday
woke up early
headed straight to the office
did some operation works
took my medication
headed to SA1G
waited for ct and yana to come
fell asleep
woken up by yana
off to Rafi for a drink
waited for many ppl
talked to ex-colleague
he confesed...whatever
at night off to Sg Buloh to support the band
they did a great job
went for late supper
had limau panas
went back
was on the phone for few mins
and fell asleep
the pills really did an awesome job
they put me to sleep in 5 mins or less

i woke up today
thought of joining the Hino Bowling Tournament
but i lepak at parents room instead
i just realized i haven't seen both of them for a week
and i miss my mom
i miss my dad
i was supposed to teman them everyday
since my other siblings weren't home
but i chose to entertain my friends
i chose to prioritized my friends
dont u think im a selfish bitch?

had a conversation with fie,
tot of asking her out for a movie
since it viv's bday
they re gonna celebrate it with the family
she sounded very unpleasent
i asked her why
she said she'll let me know later
not today
am i at fault or sumthing?
it feels very uncomfortable

now,here i am
in the office
updating my blog and facebook
read one of my sis's blog in myspace
i feel bad
she was ill for the past few days
and i didn't even know it
she wanted to talk to me 2 nights ago
but i told her i need my sleep,wasn't feeling well
little that i know,she missed me and the family
and she didn't tell me about it
received her sms last night
saying she wanted to come back home so bad
and only this evening i got to know that no one take care of her
esp when she was sick
she left her blanket at fren's hse
said last 2 night was a very cold night
once again,i feel so selfish
this time as a big sister

when i was driving to Sunway this evening
i picture myself
facing the death of my family members
i can see myself in a very horrible situation
i can see myself getting really wasted and stupid
i see myself being somebody,who i wasnt supposed to be

today
is one of the day
that i feel i dont deserve anyone
that i feel useless and selfish

hopefully
tonight this feeling will go away
or else im gonna stuck in this mood
in a very long time

hopefully
i dont have to feel this way again
at least,not at this moment.